ever seen the movie Baghban? there is a scene in that movie that remains imprinted in my head even after all this while. this scene takes place between the father and son. the father has come to live with his son to catch up on all the years he missed out while he scrounging for money to fulfill every need of his children. the father is very proud that all his hard work has paid off because of which his sons are all well settled...when his son looks him in the eye and asks him 'aapne kiya hi kya humaare liye?' the look on the fathers face is......i dont even know a word to describe it....

in the past two weeks...the same question has been posed to me twice by the one i love. and sudddenly i remembered the movie. now i know how it feels. it feels like some one dropped a bucket of cold water with ice on you....it feels like the air supply suddenly stopped....it feels like someone reached in and wrenched your heart out....it feels miserable.

i have always given importance to relationships...friends parents family....i dont believe in idol worship...i dont believe in prayers...my interpretation of religion has always been...that god has sent us all with some purpose...and my purpose was to keep the people around me happy...that if i worship the goodness in people...ill be worshipping god....

and thats what i have done...or atleast tried to do. i know i have failed miserably at it...god couldnt have picked a worse person to do this job...but i have tried..and never given up. from one person to the next. constantly do small or big things to bring a smile on the face of the person in front of me. and thats been my life up until now.

when i met the one i love, i felt complete. and strong. a strength that i never felt before. and i put my heart and soul into the beautiful relationship we shared...cos thats what i am here for rite?

but today. and two weeks ago. he asked me 'tumne kiya hi kya hain?' and that question has shattered me completely. how should i answer.....can i quantify...or for that matter qualify ...the time we spent together.

i know if he reads this post...the first question he will have is if i think he doesnt put any effort at all...second he will dismiss all of this saying im bullshitting. i was trying to find the right words to show him that i wasnt. but i didnt. and if im bullshitting..then well i just am i guess.