ive been thinking about a few things though..and they have really been troubling me a lot...

remember day before when i asked you where have your parents compromised or some such thing...and you said ki unhone apne armaanon ka gala ghota hai....mere dimaag main us din se yahi baat ghum rahi hai. aur ek baat tumhaari mere dimaag main ghoomti rahi..ki main aur mere parents kuch samajhna nahi chahte hai...

ye baat main kal bhi karna chah rahi thi..but i was scared...remember i told you that...i was scared you would misunderstand....aur fir main sochne lag gayi...ki kya zindagi bhar main dar dar ke jeene waali hoon? even now im scared to right this mail to you..cos i know tum gussa ho jaoge. aaj kal main kuch bhi kahoon woh ek jhagda ho jaata hai...and itni buri tara se affected hain hum...tum atleast kaam kar paate ho kyunki tumhaare sar pe deadlines hain...main din bar comp ke saamne beti rehti hoon..ghar jaake bhi..kyunki ghar jaake bhi kisise baat karna nahi chahti hoon ye dar se kahin koi sawaal na pooche for which i have no answer...

im not blaming you for how i have become...cos well...its really my incapability of handling the situation..and i have to learn.

however..i have a few questions..or not even questions actually...cos that would mean you have to give answers...not questions..few thoughts i want to share with you...

dar dar ke jeena matlab main suffocate ho jaongi thode dino baad..dar to mere mann main hain..mujhe nikalna hai...dar kyun hai..ye sochne lagi...

do mahino pehle ghar gaye...aur waapas aakar kaha ki tumne decide kar liya ki mujhe tumhaara saath rehna hai to mujhe career change karna hi hoga...maine baat ki, samajhaya, jhagda kiya, roya, chilaya, sab karne ke baad decide kiya koi faayda nahi mujhe agar tumhaare saath rehna hai to compromise karna hai....fir shaadi ki baat hui. pichle jhagde ke baad humne decide kiya tha ki ab se jab bhi koi decision lenge to milkar ek doosre ke feelings aur ideas ko samajhkar ..decide karenge. tumne kal phone karke kahan ki tum zindagi bhar roti raho kuch badalne waala nahi hai humne decide kar liya hai.

kya main aise jee sakoongi? main kitna bhi adjust kar leti hoon..kabhi kisi ko dukh nahi pahunchati hoon...jo kuch bhi mere bas main kisiki khushi ke liye main karne ke liye taayar hoon...bas maine itna chaha ki main apne decisions khud loon..galat hoon, sahi hoon...jo bhi hoon...

mere bhi armaan the jaanu...mere armaan ye the ki mujhe aisa saathi mile jo meri har paagalpan mera saath de...main agar gir gayi kahin to mujhe sambhale, par udne se ya daudne se na roke...ye ki mera saathi ke liye mere sapne itne hi important ho jitna uske.....ye tha ki mera saathi mujhe respect kare....mujhe kabhi badalne ki koshish na kare ye soch kar ki main khud seekh ke badloongi waqt ke saath....kyunki jo bhi mera saathi bane main uske liye ye sab karoongi...aur tum pichle teen saal main dekho maine tumhaare har paagalpan main tumhaara saath diya...tumko sambhala par kabhi roka nahi...aur kabhi tumko badalne ki koshish nahi ki....

itne dino mujhe umeed thi ki tum bhi yahi sab chahte ho aur karoge mere liye...duniya agar mujhe samajhi nahi to tum duniya se mere liye ladoge...you'll protect me and nourish me, and cherish every shred of my being...for better or for worse till death do us apart.

but now im beginning to realise that this is not what i will get from you. that tomorrow anybody says anything you ll ask me to change....chahe woh mummy papa ho chahe woh koi aur....unko ye bol nahi sakte tum ki woh jaisi hai maine usko dil se accept kiya....

main jaanti hoon tum apne parents se bahut pyaar karte ho....jaanu main bhi karti hoon...maine ye bhi samajha hai ki aaj tak tumhaara har chota bada decision mummy papa ne li hai tumhaare liye....main ye maanti hoon ki woh humse bade hain, samajdhar hain, zyaada duniya dekhi hai unhone, aur is liye tum unki har baat maante ho....

main alag hoon. mere papa mummy ne mujhe independence di ki main apne decisions khud loon...unhone saath di hain, advise kiya, warn kiya, par end main mere upar chod diya....

main nahi jaanti ki kiski jeene ka tareekha sahi hain ya galat..aur main jaana bhi nahi chahti...tumhe aise jeena acha lagta hai..mujhe aise...aur main tumhe nahi badalna chahti..main ye nahi kehna chahti ki jaanu meri tara jeeke dekho...aur nahi chahti hoon ki tum mujse ye kaho...

to fir agar aisa..to hum problem main hain...kyunki har baar..har situation main ..main apna khud ka decision lena chahoongi aur tum apne papa mummy ki sunna chahoge...aur humaare beech ye jhagda humesha chalega...

main ye nahi keh rahi hoon ki main compromise nahin karoongi....compromise situation main kar sakte hain jaanu...par soch main compromise kaise ho sakta hain? aur tumne khud kaha hai ki meri independence hi tumhe sabse pyaari baat lagti hain...agar woh nikaal diya to tum jisse pyaar karte ho..woh nahi rahegi hain na....

tum agar mera saath doge to papa mummy ko dukh pahunche ga...unka saath dekar mere upar dabaav daalte ho to mujhe dukh hota hain....ye situation already do baar aa chuke hai...aur jahan tak main samajh rahi hoon zindagi bhar chalega....

mera armaan tha ki mujhe humesha tumhaara support mile....tum sahi kehte ho ki jo hum chahe woh humain milta nahi hain....par kya main ye compromise ke liye tayar hoon? kya zindagi bhar main ye sunne ke liye tayyar hoon ki tum logon ne decide kar liya..and that it is not open for discussion, and that its closed cos decide ho chuka hai.......

pata nahi ....main jaanti hoon ki humaari khushi ke liye tum itna fight maar rahe ho...main jaanti hoon ki tum mujhse bahut pyaar karte ho...aur main bhi tumse bahut pyaar karti hoon...par zindagi bhar saath rehne ke liye fight nahi maar rahe hain hum..zindagi bhar khush rehne ki fight hain ye..kyunki hum ko humko laga tha ki ek doosre main humain khushi milegi.....agar khushi hi nahi rahi? aur jhagda..rona dhona ...yahi sab hoga...to kis liye kar rahe hain hum ye? aur manzil pahunch kar..kya paayenge hum..siwaai toote hue sapne..

main jaanti hoon ye mail pad kar tum naraaz hoge, gussa hoge, lagega main bakwaas kar rahi hoon, im bullshitting, i dont understand, ....issi reaction se to darti hoon main....